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For When We Find Ourselves in the Place of In-Betweens

Sometimes, you find yourself in the Place of In-Betweens. That valley in the middle of where you’ve come and where you’re going next. That space of silence between discovering something and reacting to it. It is that moment of hesitance, that limbo of uncertainty. Of not knowing where you are going next. Or doing next. Or how you should be reacting, responding.

I found myself in a Place of In-Betweens two years ago. We had just checked in at a hotel with my dozens of aunts, uncles, and cousins to give my sister a bridal shower as a send-off before her wedding day. It was a happy day for her and for the rest of my family, but deep down inside, I was a wreck. Its effect lasted a whole year and even now, there are traces. Triggers that will still leave me reeling or broken.

How does one react to something that is both uncertain and painful? What do you when everything you’ve been hoping for, dreaming about crumbles to your feet in a pile of dust? What do you do when challenge after …
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I Struggle with Taking Things Slow

If there's anything I'm learning these past few days, it's all about taking a breath and stopping for a while. Letting yourself calm down. Learning to relax. Rest.
Even as I say it, my mind is racing with the things I‌ need to do. Deadlines that I have (self-imposed or actual). Endless to-do lists where more items are added than there are removed. “There’s that post I‌ need to write.” “I have something to research after this.” “I‌ need to hit x number of hours (or lessons) on my language studies this week.”

I‌ worked in a fast-paced company for almost eight years. We were always encouraged to be on our toes. “Rests” were purposeful bouts of non-work that was meant to prepare us for the moment when work would resume. So we could pick up where we left off without any slack. So we could “hit the ground running” and take on whatever challenge hurled at us.

My aunt calls me “Miss Corporate” and says that I am very much like her. And it’s true. I love the buzz of a busy office …

Hineni - "Here I am"

It’s a pretty crazy world we live in these days. It’s calm where I’m sitting while I write this, but outside, there’s just so much going on. It’s been twenty days when a lockdown was declared on our city, twenty days of wondering just how crazy this virus is going to get, twenty days of wondering if it will all end.

That’s twenty days of fear. Twenty days of uncertainties. Twenty days of not knowing what’s going to happen next. Twenty days of scrolling through the phone for news of what the world looks like in the midst of this crisis. Twenty days of more and more questions and not enough answers as we would like.

I’m currently going through a devotional material entitled “Scared of the Unknown” and I can’t help but think how perfect it is, how fitting for times like this. Interestingly, though, it is not all about how to get rid of your fear nor is it about verses of comfort to cling on to when we are facing uncertain times, it poses a challenge instead, the challenge of having fait…

Last Year, I Learned to Say Goodbye

If you're like me, you like keeping the people you love close by, knowing that you can return to them anytime, because they are burned to a place in your memory, sometimes a literal place, sometimes a thought or an idea. If you're like me, you love with fists closed, afraid to lose, afraid to let go.

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You and I, we hold tightly (sometimes too much) to ideals, to memories that have shone some light into the empty spaces of our hearts, to the comfort and the assurance that there is a stable ground under our feet and that nothing, nothing, nothing can rock it.

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Last year, I had to learn to open my hands, to unclench my fists and watch everything I had built up for the past decade drift away. I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing what is going to happen next. I prefer my Google Calendar with perfectly color-coded bars telling me what will happen in the next few days and what "category" of my life it fits in. Mess up my schedule, it irks me a little bit. Mess it up so…

Someday Can’t Come Soon Enough

I'm sitting here, trying to fight a trigger that's once more threatening to spill over the edges of my weary soul. All I can think of is when? when? when?
When will that day come when I can say that I am completely fine with what's going on? When, no matter what life hurls at me, I can look at it in the eye and be 100% okay? When I can be joyful deep down and not have that touched by little things, careless little words, little memories that bubble up and touch the places I didn't know could still hurt like that?
We long for breakthroughs, for days of running in the sun, days free from pain (whether the sharp one that serves as a stark reminder or the dull one that says a wound is healing), days of deep, sincere joy, days of feeling alive again. But that day, that one day our soul cries out to and longs for--sometimes it can't come soon enough.
And so we sit and we struggle, we weep and we sigh. We start all over again, we pick up those scattered pieces of lost hope a…

A Different Kind of Courage

“But no one except Lucy knew that as it circled the mast it had whispered to her, "Courage, dear heart," and the voice, she felt sure, was Aslan's, and with the voice a delicious smell breathed in her face.”
- C.S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
When we think of the word courage, it usually comes with the words "strength" and "boldness" and "facing our giants". We think of slaying down those fearsome foes, even as we acknowledge our quaking hearts and trembling limbs.

My story of courage especially at the start of the year was...different.

You see, the giants aren't always big, ugly brutes. Sometimes, they are the people we know and love. People we don't want to hurt or disappoint. People whose opinions about us matter to us. People who've always directed our actions. People who've taken control of our lives in the name of simply wanting the best for us.

And yet at the same time, they are giants because they represent …

This Was My 2018

I'm back. I'm trying to write again. It's not like I've stopped, actually. I've just been too busy to publish anything I've written, but I'm trying to make it a point to journal at least a sentence or two every day about what I did or how I feel or what is currently going through my head.

Life hasn't exactly been golden sunbeams and bright daisies waving at clouds. A lot of you aren’t exactly aware that my 2018 was quite turbulent, to add to the busyness at work and other extracurricular activities. And in the midst of that turbulence, I have been learning to cope, to ride the waves, to hold on to my Anchor, to praise my Heavenly Father in the storms.

It hasn’t been easy. Healing hasn't been a line steadily going up in the timeline of my life. At most, it goes up and down, sometimes even several times during the day. I can be pretty cheerful in the morning, going through my tasks and enjoying what I'm doing. And then when I least expect it, Som…